How much of my behavior is my fault? How do I know if I am the one calling the shots?
Having a diagnosis of Asperger syndrome makes me wonder if I don’t have control over my own actions. I would never purposefully choose to struggle in school, act awkwardly in public, or fail to form meaningful relationships. However, we don’t always get what we want.
An undeveloped mind tends to react more than act. The easily influenced is at the mercy of the influencer. Recognizing the influences in our lives helps us to be more in control.
I am a victim of somnambulism. My subconscious mind likes to take my body for a ride from time to time. It apparently also engages people in conversation with random ramblings. I had a hard time believing it was true until I caught myself in the act. I was dreaming I was fighting off a Jack-in-the-box when I awoke to find myself holding an empty crate above my head. The floor was littered with all the materials I either poured out of boxes or knocked off of my desk.
It scares me to think I could be a danger to others in my sleep. Brains have their own will and can take over our will at times. I strive to make sure I stay in control of my mental functions for the sake of those around me.
Many people mistakenly assume that any showing of emotion means a person can’t control their feelings. You can’t control your emotions if you refuse to have feelings. I once accidentally proposed to a woman when my feelings were extremely high. Being close to people was new to me and I didn’t have the experience to handle all that emotion. Marriage wasn’t even on my mind when the words “Will you marry me?” came out of my mouth. I swear this wasn’t on purpose and I can prove it. I had already decided which words I was going to use when I finally propose to the woman I’ve been searching for. The words I spoke that day were not the words I had prepared and thought out.
The result of that outburst of emotion was a lot of heartache and pain. A lack of meaningful experiences will cause us to be overcome by emotion. The only way to control our emotions is to put them to good use with maturity. Make every tear count.
Even good people can be too controlling. Obsessions often become more important to a person than relationships. I’m guilty of trying too hard to keep relationships alive. It’s hard to cope when the people you love who tell you you’re a friend end up walking out of your life. Trying to fix people to fit my vision is like trying to make a river reverse its course.
Sometimes we need to make things happen, but more often I see the need to let things happen. Being powerless is not the end of the world. We find peace not when we have complete control but when peace has complete control of us.