Répondez S’il Vous Plaît

I invite you to accept my invitation.

We all send out many invitations, most of them unconsciously. My words, actions, and even facial expressions can let you know that it is alright to engage me. On the other hand, refusals also come in the form of words, actions, and facial expressions. How do we figure out which is which?

Sometimes I see a person sitting down and I think about whether or not they would mind if I joined them. Before I even ask them I try to determine what kind of mood they are in. If it looks like they specifically chose to sit alone, then I have to decide whether that is a refusal to let most people in or an invitation for specific people to join them. For me, I try to be inviting in a way that draws company to me while at the same time making it clear that I refuse the company of certain people I don’t want close.

Using our words doesn’t always make our intentions clear. If I ask if I can sit next to a person they may say it is alright but that doesn’t necessarily mean I am welcome. Ever talked to someone and got the impression they didn’t truly want you around? They never smile, they give you one-word answers, and they don’t ask you any questions in turn. This happens a lot. Instead of refusing you they would rather invite you to leave.

I’ve missed invitations people have sent me. I can’t even count all the times a woman liked me and I didn’t pick up on it. People seem to prefer to make their invitations small. A smile here, a laugh there. You would think a lady saying they want to spend more time with me would be a big enough clue. Not to me, apparently. Instead, I pick up on the refusals. Their refusing to get to know me on a personal level. Their refusing to spend time with my friends. Should I focus more on the invitations or the refusals?

I don’t care for grand gestures when inviting people. Simply being honest and straightforward will suffice. However, I occasionally feel the need to make the invitation match the feelings behind it. Having said that: Come to me, you cowards! Show me what friendship looks like. Bear your hearts and I will let you break mine. Grant me a chance to take away your pain. How is that for inviting?

Likes and Dislikes

I like people. Believe me.

One of the characteristics defining autism is difficulty in social situations. Talking to people, making friends, and working with others proves a challenge. So how is this any different from just being unlikable?

Being difficult to work with is not unique to those diagnosed with a behavioral disorder. All people have hang ups. You can’t expect the average human being to automatically get along with everyone they meet. It’s like in cooking. Some ingredients go well together and others don’t. You can’t force it to work.

I was never liked growing up. Nobody really hated me or anything like that. They just didn’t think I was worth the time. I’d watch everyone else pair up and form their own little groups. Not me. I’m still waiting for an invitation to be part of a group.

People treat you different when they don’t like you. Bullies targeted me at school because they knew no one would defend me. Would you defend the well being of someone you didn’t like? Rumors would spread about me because no one cared about getting the facts right concerning an unlikable person. If you’re not liked, then you don’t get to see the best parts in people.

I’m perfectly fine with this. Not everyone can receive the same amount of respect as another. Take my necktie collection, for instance. I have one of every color in there. The reds, blues, and greens see the light of day more often than the orange and brown ones. I can’t help it if I don’t like the way I look wearing orange. I don’t owe the color orange anything. But I still won’t throw the orange tie away. I save that one for special occasions.

We all should pursue the things we like. We should also open our minds to things we may learn to like. I have a few special friends who take an interest in me. I know they like me because they make time for me. They ask me questions, try to get to know me, and care about what I think. And I like them. Not because of any one thing about them. I like them because they are mine.

Gingerbread Men

When the going gets tough, the soft get running.

I recognize each of us has different levels of ability, but it is not wrong to expect a minimum amount of courage when facing life’s trials. Everyone needs enough bravery to at least get out of bed in the morning. And people certainly shouldn’t be afraid to talk to other people. We can’t function in society when we are governed by irrational fears.

On the other hand, knowing when to run from dangerous situations is part of survival. We take a risk when getting close to people. They could learn our weaknesses and exploit them. And becoming attached means it hurts when they part from us. Honestly, I don’t know how much optimism or pessimism I am supposed to have. Either choice presents risk.

Hope keeps me going. It’s more than just being positive. Not every positive person looks forward with hope. And a negative person can still be filled with hope. Hope means you can keep your eye on the prize on the good days as well as the bad days. It keeps me treating people with respect no matter what I am feeling.

I’ve met many good men and women who don’t possess hope. They give up on people at the slightest provocation. They would come to me, tell me I’m a friend, and then leave without saying goodbye. I’ve endured so much heartache because of people who run. I’m not their enemy, yet they run. I still love them, but they are gone.

Still I hope. So many people to meet along my journey. How can I give up on any one of them while I’m on my way to meet many more? I hope to one day encounter those who are running in my direction hoping to stay next to me.

Solitary Confinement

John Donne wrote that no man is an island. If so, why can’t I see the mainland?

A group of people exists that are defined by their lack of a group; the lonely. I’m not talking about being alone or feeling lonely. Everyone can be in those groups for a time without it affecting them adversely. I’m talking about the lonely people who are socially isolated to the point where they can’t function in a group properly.

The person no one wants to play sports with won’t learn the skills necessary to play the game. The man no one wants to talk to won’t learn how to have normal conversations. The child everyone neglects to uplift won’t learn how to accept support from others. We all learn from being around other people. What hope do the lonely have?

Singled Out

Being separated from all social groups can be by choice or by circumstance. I choose to separate myself from groups that are mean-spirited, immature, or would in any way affect me negatively. And many groups exist I can’t choose for myself because I have no commonality with them. I can’t just go to a foreign country and expect them to welcome me in when I can’t speak their language and have no understanding of their culture.

Another cause for separation from social groups is due to exclusion. Some groups can consciously decide who to let in and who to block out. Not having any of the predetermined desirable traits automatically makes a person an outsider to the group. An individual can also be ousted from a group due to random occurrences. Sometimes a person is excluded simply because no one in the group remembers to treat them like a member of the group.

Fixing the Unbroken

Lonely people, like any other group, receive prejudice from the outside world. The world looks down on anything considered to be weak or undesirable. I’ve told people I am lonely before and they either respond by avoiding me or by trying to fix me. I don’t need fixing. Lonely people are not a lesser form of life. They can be just as smart, attractive, fun, funny, and nice as anyone else. The lonely simply need what anyone else needs; someone to talk to and someone to be with.

Take time to understand what the lonely man goes through. Your kind words to him may be the only nice thing he hears all week. He becomes a target for bullies because no one else will defend him. A lonely man who loses a friend often does not have other friends to turn to for comfort. Also, the lonely are often better at recognizing when someone is in need and are more sensitive to other people’s feelings.

Don’t avoid the lonely. Just because someone struggles to make friends doesn’t mean they can’t be a good friend to you.

Out of Touch

Dear pen pal.

Maintaining long-distance communication takes talent. Different rules apply to it compared with face-to-face interaction. Personally, I try to keep all my relationships face-to-face. What kind of a person prefers to keep their friends at a distance?

Circumstances eventually force us to not see the people we know. I go to work and leave my family behind. I leave my friends to go on a date with a woman I like. The more time I spend with one person, the less time I have with all others.

Clocking In

Some of our social life is left up to scheduling. My regularly scheduled social life consists of the people I see at church on Sundays, the people I see at work each weekday, and the people I see once a week for religion class. I was sick recently and missed church because of it. I had to wait another week before I could see the people I like.

Leaving our social lives up to the schedule is lazy. I want to see my friends more than once a week. I want to talk to people more often than my set schedule allows. I was at college for four years and I can count on my fingers the number of times people made a point of dropping by my place because they wanted to see me. It’s not fun being the only one who makes an effort.

Tick Tock

People will say to me we should do something sometime. I have yet to experience whatever this something is. It makes me wonder where I rank when it comes to them scheduling visits with friends, work, going to the gym, and finally getting around to reading that book.

My friends don’t specifically tell me how often to contact them. What is too much or too little? Do people expect me to just naturally pick up on how often they want me around? Most people don’t know what their friends think of them until it’s stated out loud. I can’t just assume every person I know wants me to be featured prominently in their personal lives.

The longer we go without contacting the people in our lives, the more it changes the nature of our relationship with those people. Good friends who don’t talk to each other become fond memories. Family members that don’t talk to each other become distant relatives. A timer starts when you say “see you later” to your friends. Don’t make them wait long. You may lose your opportunity.

Words Fail

I need to have a word with you.

The most difficult trials I’ve had to deal with all revolve around misunderstanding. Either something about me was misinterpreted or I misinterpreted the information I had at the time. It’s hard to do the right thing when you don’t have the right information.

Words are supposed to give the people we meet an idea of the ideas we want to share. They represent our observations, our feelings, and our intentions. Most languages have a word for every concept you can imagine. New words will be crafted when fresh ideas need sharing. Most misunderstandings can be decreased by using the right words.

I worry that most people care about having information more than understanding it. What good is it to listen to people and not think about their words? Then again, words are not always the most reliable medium of thought.

Words have both a literal meaning and a feel to them. A person motivated by logic could take the literal meaning of another’s words to get a sense of what is meant. A person motivated by emotion may choose to focus more on the feeling they get from someone’s words. You need a combination of both logic and emotion to see the big picture.

Focusing on just logic or just emotion leaves you open for deception. Overly emotional types are reactionary by nature and are easily controlled by those who make them feel good with their words. Overly logical types trust too much in facts and figures that they become slaves to whoever has the most information. We can avoid some deception by not delegating our thinking to someone else.

One must not put too much reliance on words. How many of us are actually good at expressing ourselves whether in spoken or written word? Language is a skill we pick up over time. And even if you master a language you can’t be certain you will perfectly understand every person you come across. You need more than just words to know what people really mean.

You might be asking why you should take time to understand what other people mean. I’ve spent the majority of my life inside my own head. I have ideas, feelings, and dreams to fill many lifetimes. It frustrates me when people would rather guess what I am thinking than actually ask me. I doubt I am the only one who feels this way. Lonely is the soul not sought for.

I want to know if the people I care about are happy. Why should I leave that to chance? I’m smart enough to ask them how they feel. I’m skilled enough to know which words are comforting to them. I’m confident enough to declare my own feelings openly. I might mess up my words, but I won’t give up on the ones I’m trying to speak to. I will wade through all the misunderstandings I have to as I constantly reach for the truth. My hope is my friends will understand what I mean when I say to them, “I’m here.”

Power Play

My roommate once said the person who cares the most in a relationship has the least power. I hope that’s not true.

The one time I babysat another person’s kids was an example of this. Babysitting is like being in a hostage situation. You try not to meet the demands of the captors too fast while constantly trying to calm them down. The whole day was spent entertaining these kids in the hopes they didn’t realize they could walk all over me. I had the least amount of power in that situation.

I would hate to think the only relationships I can have are ones where I maintain leverage over others. It’s not my personality to make people do what I want them to. I’d rather be with those who genuinely want to be with me. A relationship where the majority of your time is spent trying to not lose the other person is not a great relationship to be in. I call these socially abusive relationships.

A socially abusive relationship is when another person threatens to change the nature of your personal relationship with them because of failing to meet their expectations. Physical abuse attacks the body and verbal abuse attacks self-esteem, but social abuse attacks the relationship. I’ve met many people who would call me friend as long as I did what was expected. It took some time for me to realize these weren’t truly friends at all.

Take a good look at yourself to see if you are in a socially abusive relationship. Do you have to hold back your opinions and feelings for fear of offending your loved ones? Do your friends dispense punishment by spending less time with you when they get upset? Do people simply allow you to be around them instead of eagerly seeking you out? Be honest with yourself. The truth will set you free.

Each of us is guilty of being socially abusive when we give up on someone we have a personal relationship with. Are you refusing to talk to family because you are upset with them? Do you gossip about friends who are no longer in your favor? Do you tell people they are your friends and then convince yourself they aren’t really that close to you? You were never friends with someone if all you brought to the relationship was an end to it. Threatening to run out on friends is being nothing more than a social bully.

Instead of having leverage over friends I would rather be equal with them. They stay because they want to. They leave because they have to. I would never threaten my friends with thinking less of them just to make them stay by my side. No one has ever had to fear losing me because I have always been the one to care the most. This may give me no power over the relationship, but it makes me a powerful friend.